Gone

Would this be a good day to die? I’m I wearing the right clothes? More importantly, am I wearing the right shoes? My shoes are cute. They’re happy. What would my eulogy say? How long will you remember me? But knowing me, I’ll probably be late to my own funeral. I have confessed to my inability to arrive anywhere punctually, so I am pretty sure I’ll be late to my own funeral, doing a running jump into my casket like the inconsiderate jerk I am, right before the pastor tells everyone how awesome I was and the choir sings a rousing rendition of “I Luh God.” Please tell everyone that the dress code is all red everything, and check with my best friend to see if you’re on the list of people who aren’t invited, because leave it up to me to be petty from the Great Beyond. If I didn’t mess with you while I was here, I surely don’t need to see your feet at my highly exclusive homegoing.

I think about my death from time to time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal, far from it actually, I’m an annoyingly jovial person. I see lives of young people get lost everyday by things beyond our power, and I always wonder, should the same fate befall me, what kind of impact would it have to my friends and family?

My mother would be devastated, I pray for her poor soul. My dad, well, I’m the apple of his eye. I don’t even want to think how he will be able to come to terms with it. I mourn for the heartbreak my brother will have to go through. I think about my best friends. Waridi, would probably post about me on social media everyday. We have so much to accomplish together. I would hate for our dreams to go with me and I would hope she will accomplish them because that is what I would want. My Jani would be so broken, all the plans and ambitions we are supposed to execute when she comes back to the country. Bubbles, my love, would probably be busy on the day of the funeral. She’s always busy this one. Bae, i don’t know about this one, but he would be broken I’m sure. His forever card taken away from him before even the first quarter. It would be so unfair.

What bothers me more,to be honest , is if it would be an awakening call or a breaking point. I would love for it to be an awakening call. To live a life for the moment as I would want. I am the most carefree person the people in my circle know, and I hope that is how I’m remembered. As a girl who was never afraid to live and never took anything too seriously. Which is not always a good thing,for others, never for me, I’m too free to care 😅😅

But above all, I always wonder if they will know how deeply I love them, and I would want nothing but the best for them. If for nothing else, then for my loss, you deserve the very best in this life as you live for two now. I love you, bizarrely and irrationally, but love nonetheless.

May you always find the grace and strength to be with the best and to live your best, for those who have gone before us, I believe this is what they would want

Xo,

Rasta baby🤗

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Wait…

i stopped looking for dream girl, I just wanted one that wasn’t a nightmare . – Charles Bukowski

That was really not the way I expected it to happen. I wanted to be swept off my feet, fly to cloud nine and ride on white horses and chariots. But here we are, staring into each others eyes, mine blushing and looking away . We had been waiting for a while now for this moment. Me desperately that at some point I got tired. I have places to be and things to do besides waiting son, you dig?

But so much about life here and now, entails waiting . Because I learnt from highschool, that if you’re really serious about life, if you’re the go getter that wants the whole world or nothing and want to make things happen, then you need to know how to wait. Seriously. You take a deep breath, put your game face on, brace yourself and wait. I had to wait 2 hours at the hospital for consultation! We wait for slow-speed internet! We wait for that return call from our uncle who promised us a little job somewhere if we send him our CV, and there’s never even a response mind you. He will still have his head held high at the next family gathering, acting like he never saw your took-a-month-long-to-write CV, ni gutee. And now we wait for our overpriced matatus.

I wasn’t hard to spot in this café. I had made sure of that . I am a sore thumb of a twenty-something year old lady wearing body curving little black dress that was supposed to convince him that I would be great company on this major life trip should he stop for me . This is if my inability to arrive anywhere punctually isn’t accounted for. Because like the inconsiderate jerk that I am, I was a whole ass 45 mins late. Secretly wondering if the swaying of my hips would bail me out on this one. But he was patient . He apologized for my travels and invited me to dine with him . Half the time, I was wondering if I had over dressed. We’re my heels too high? Was my dress to short?  Can you see my cleavage? Thank God for this trenchcoat. But I can’t wear it indoors. How does my hair look? God, I should have really gone to the salon . Was this a good day for this date? Maybe he can tell that behind the cool-as-a-cucumber facade of togetherness I am trying to portray, is a quivering, fearful little girl who’s just dying for someone to take her by the hand and help her cross a busy road.

On the bright side, the roasted potatoes were beautifully made . We eased into conversation and comfort joined us. Throwing chuckles of laughter, pronouncing a good time, here and there . The stars had aligned, it was our time to dance, we just had to recognize it.

WINGS DAY

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour, and some style- Maya Angelou

Well, this is kind of awkward. I used to think we’d be those guys whom when we reconnect we do so with zeal and gorgeous smiles and tight hugs . But I’m just standing here with my hands in my pocket taking in your judgemental stare. So, before the bickering starts, can I please have a seat? Thankyou.

To be fair, I didn’t think you’ll be coming back here, well, at least not two years down the line. I mean, I’m sorry but, it’s extremely flattering. Even I didn’t come back to see how my own house was doing, but you, you did. Even when I was being distant and unlovable, you still knocked and checked if anyone was home, that’s really sweet. So what’s been going on with you? Actually, I’m asking that as a courtesy, let’s make this about me.

Allow me to reintroduce myself, I’m Kinini, Abigael Kinini. If you call me Kanini, then you better say kwanini because I don’t take it too kindly 😅

Will I be back here? Sometimes, to let off some steam. This will be some sort of diary. Just between me and you, okay? I owe you at least that one.

Well, I really don’t know what more too say, I hate having to read/ watch those self absorbed videos/blogs where people entirely talk about themselves and flaunt off their houses, who watches that stuff anyway besides teenagers?

So if i become self absorbed, close off this tab and bang your phone against the wall, you deserve better.

Two years, huh? I can’t even begin to tell you what’s been going on with me. ( Begins to tell you what has been going on with me)

For starters, I finally finished campus, I mean, that was daunting and I am thrilled to have that behind me now, phew. I am yet to graduate though, if the Lord will, that will be in November this year.

My baby, Kinini Creations is finally walking by herself, she’s registered and has a location, she even has her own Instagram! (@kininicreations)

The outside world is not as hectic as I was made to believe actually, maybe because I had already birthed Kinini Creations and it wasn’t a taunting fete to manage her after school? Or I’m cashing in good luck?  I don’t know.

I still have Azriel, ( my first sewing machine that I got while I was in campus), he’s still a gorgeous boy. Although nowadays he has an attitude. Like today he completely jammed up and I’m stuck trying to oil him and baby him and sooth him up!

There’s a whole lot going on, and we shall definitely get into that once we’re comfortable and ease into each others space?

In the meantime, how are you? Receptive of my apology?

NEW BEGINNINGS …

It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting. Paulo Coelho- The Alchemist.

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Hello my dear lovies (^.^)

First i will start by appreciating each and everyone of you for your concern about getaway and for all your requests. i honestly never thought anyone cared but you guys just slipped your way into my heart and i appreciate all the love yoh.

Secondly, what the damn hell has been with me? well, i honestly wish I had a list of good excuses but since i don’t want to bore you with bad ones, lets just go with i was a lazy ass pimp. But new year new resolutions, right?

Speaking of which, how is your new year coming along? Are you putting all your hope and trust in God? because if you aren’t you better drop everything (lay your phone down gently though) and go get your trust back and put it in Him and Him alone.

So i have some good things lined up for you this year ( who am I kidding, i don’t. What is life without a little mystery :)- but first i will start by sharing some of the lessons i learnt from 2016. Because life is growth and living the same way everyday with the same routine must be incredibly boring.

1. Look good, feel good. Never underestimate the power of a good look. Waking up, washing up, a touch of makeup and some bomb ass outfit will change your entire perspective.

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2. Do not,I repeat, do not go to lounge at jevanjee gardens, (or any other park for that matter) browsing through your phone, and still be Mother Teresa to an onlooking street kid. you give me a 100 bob while you are holding a phone well over 10000kes(okay maybe just slightly over)and you think i would let you walk away just like that? you have another think coming.

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3. You can never have too many notebooks. Especially if you are a creative. i have like a gazillion notebooks and you’d be surprised that i use all of them and i am always wanting more. Such a notebook hoarder.

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4. Refresh yourself every once in a while. i know most of us put up all this sayings on social media and even believe them to some extent but how many of us are not actually tied down and literally doing things that make them incredibly happy?
i know of most people who are living ridiculously sad lives and whats even sadder is that they don’t even know it. Barely giving life a chance, always conforming to other people’s ideas and society. Do not rob yourself of your own freedom, i mean, Jesus didn’t die for us to be enslaved now did he?
Spread your wings, fly, look for your treasure and refuse to settle for anything but the best.

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5. Lastly, everyday is a gift. God offering us another chance at life. Be glad, and rejoice it. Be a candle to light up someone’s dark tunnel.

Outfit Details;

Long pocketed ankara cover up; cut, designed, tailored and created by me.

High low crop top on Malkia; cut, designed, tailored and created by me.

Behind the lense, @eriq_forsky

If you loved any of this piece kindly DM me on my Instagram, @_thisisbee_  and i will be sure to create it for you.

I had so much fun working on these pieces and i have to say none of them would yhave even made it past the first step if it wasn’t for all the love and support my friends shower me with. The world is a better place because of all of you.

love and love,

Till next time, God’s love and Grace be with you.

STELLA; MY STORY II

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It didn’t sink. In fact, it floated on the third line. The kind red cross lady just said I couldn’t donate, of course I asked why, she said I didn’t have enough blood. Her face looked worried but I went with it. After my girlfriends were inside getting ready to save the world, the red cross lady asked me to stay behind. She called another staff and took me behind the tent.
” Hey😊”, she asked politely
“hey yourself,” I replied in the same manner.
” My name is Kate. Kathleen actually, I just prefer Kate.”
“Hello Kate. My name is Stella”.
The niceties went on for a minute or so as she asked about the weather trying to create a good rapport.
” Do you know your status?” She inquired.
” Not really actually. Do you know yours?”
” The number of people who do not know their status is immensely shocking. I know mine though. Though I would love to take you to find out yours. It is really peaceful when you know and not have to in doubt for the rest of your life”
It made sense. And besides, why not, it won’t hurt to know. I agreed. She was jovial and very friendly and I liked having new friends and her being this wonderful was just a gift from God. My friends would take like half an to donate their share and lie down for bit. From my calculations, we would have been done by then.
Have you ever been to a VCT, the  pre-counselling session makes you question your entire life. That boy I made out with in class four, he was oddly thin. You know?
I have to say though, it braced me well. And the doctor was very handsome and friendly. I underwent the test and my fears were confirmed. As is protocol, post counselling started immediately.
The good news was, the virus was discovered in its second stage, and of I took my meds right, I have a chance to not only a long life but also avoiding all the opportunistic diseases. I wasn’t going to be really a victim as such.
As time went by, I started to feel better about myself and my friends , God bless them, held my hand tightly. They basically moved in with me. What inspires me most about them though is that the turn my life took changed theirs as well.
Since then, I have fully devoted myself to humanitarian works and spreading the Word of God. It broke my heart how many of us in this generation are being buried in sexual sin.
Here’s how. I tracked down Samson, I explained to him what had being going on and because I have never been with anyone else before or after him, it would just be courteous if he took a test. He is a mature and decent guy. He did. Although he had lately been sickly with pneumonia, he had not even for a second thought I would have been HIV. He was open minded and was immediately put on medication and counselling. He too called his exes, who also called their exes. Although he was a good guy and we frequently met because above all he really needed a friend, the long chain of exes disgusted me. We tracked one Cynthia who had been the girlfriend before me, who tracked down her own exes and one of them confirmed he had just been diagnosed with the virus. The long chain disgusted me. It made me feel dirty. I cried out to God to break the chain from me. Because we all know if you lay with someone your spirits are bound together. Which meant it didn’t matter that I had only been with Samson, all our spirits were bound together. I studied the Bible in depth.  I even studied the Holy Quran. Both the holy books condemn sexual sin. In the Bible, number one of the seven things the Lord hates and cannot tolerate is lust. It is number one. Numero uno. I fasted and prayed. I had come to terms with my status but I did not want to loose my soul. I had to break the spiritual bonds if Christ was going to live in me. Because in 1st Cor 5:11, it says,” But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who calls himself a Christian who is sexually immoral, …. Do not even eat with such a person. ”
I need you to not that not just any sexually immoral person, those who call themselves christians and still indulge in the sin. Because remember Jesus had his feet oiled with a prostitute. But after that, she forsook her old ways and lived a new one in Christ. Paul goes onto tell us, we cannot be bound in spirit to multiple people and still expect the spirit of the  Lord to live in us.
That is why both Holy books advise us to just marry to avoid the sexual sin. And the married couple will be bound to one another until death.
A wife is bound as long as her husband is living. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes (only someone in the Lord).
1 Cor 7:39
As I look back now, my experience is a blessing in disguise. Because the number of people whose lives God has inspired me to change is immense. It is truly humbling.
It is a pity how this world has sugar coated the sin. What we all don’t understand is that our souls are wearing out. Are we really going to sacrifice the Kingdom of God for the pleasures of the world?
Because what worth is it for a man to gain the entire world and lose his soul?
As in proverbs 28:13, He who covers his sin will not prosper, but whoever confesses them and forsakes them will find mercy.
We are all saved by the grace of God. He knows our hearts. If we confess and forsake whatever sin we did or are doing, we shall find mercy with Him.
Pretence is not going to get us anywhere. I have met many who sing in the choir, lead the youth , but is jumping from one guy to the next. This is mocking God, which is why according to the aforementioned scripture from Corinthians, the church was asked not to associate itself with them.
And as we all know, sin separates us from God, and if we humble ourselves and cry out to him to save us, he will accept us with open arms.
For the Kingdom of God is near and that is the ultimate goal, right?
As I share my story with the world, it would just be a lie if I didn’t invoke the difference the word of God had made. I have made new family in friends.
Oh, and my actual name is Linda by the way.
Bee, Stella, really?

In my defense I was going for anonymity. I am glad you guys read her story and I really do hope it has inspired you because i have to say it has surely inspired me. There is hope for us all 😉. Kindly share with me your thoughts on the comment section down below. Give me your suggestions as well if you would like more of this…

Till next time, MWENYEZI MUNGU AWE NANYI ❤

 

 

STELLA; MY STORY

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I met Stella* when I was 14 and she was 17. High school then seemed like the shit and I always adored her. She seemed busy , focused and knowledgeable. She also used to patronize me alot and I would have sworn she had the biggest brains in the universe. Eventually we grew up into our different lifestyles and we catch up here and there. She tested HIV positive 2 years ago.
She is now an IT consultant at Safaricom centre. ( I told you she has brains 😉)
And if you didn’t know, HIV is not AIDS, it is just the virus that causes it. If carefully contained, one can avoid getting AIDS entirely. Although its definitely not a death sentence, the stigma associated with it is depressing and inhumane.
When met briefly about two months ago. She offered to buy me coffee as we filled in each other about the changes our lives have taken. She is just as jovial as I remember, full of life and can bring even the heaviest of blues to a colourful hue.
Suffice to say she has a warm big heart. Warm and big enough to shelter us all in winter, no kidding.
After she told me her story, I wanted to tell it too. It could save a few, if not one,souls. She wanted to share it too because she is a believer of changing the world for the betterment of the next community.
When she is not an IT consultant, she is busy with WHO world outreach programs. A busy woman I tell you. But because I am a persistent one, I got an interview and worded it out.
Here’s her story. Stella, over to you. Don’t be shy. 😊.

2010 was the best year of my life. I had just cleared high school the previous year and I had a paying job working in the brand promotion sector. I will have you know that promotion pays so damn well despite the long standing hours. Heck you could even own a car by just promoting brands. We had a whatsapp group that kept us in the loop of the latest promotion gig. From Nice and Lovely to Jameson liquor. The money came through. It came through good.
By the time I was joining campus later that year, I had saved enough to see me through the first year. I had collected some good outfits with shoes and bags to match. You know money comes with the elevation of taste right? I was not going to be some lowlife chick from just anywhere. I had worked my ass off for my money and I was damn sure I had every right to live like it. I was the envy of most of my age mates. If they didn’t want to be me, they wanted to be like me, or be near me. I had quite a following I tell you. Enough to start a revolution. Okay maybe not really but you get my point, don’t you?
The first year of campus went by smoothly.IT wasn’t at all rocket science. Not to say it was abc though. Life was good. A little learning here and there. When you realize just how immature grown young adults can be and how very mature the other ones are. You know, the ones that take total control of their lives and start up influential clubs, seek foreign help, the ones with big dreams and will stop at nothing to achieve them. Then their was the average kind. The ones that were neither too focused or too unfocused. The ones that were just comfortable. I was that kind. And so was Samson.
I met Samson when I still in my first year of campus. He was in 3rd year doing software engineering. I clearly recall our first encounter. I had stopped by the student centre to update my laptop. The WiFi was full bars there. While at it, I started browsing through some IT facts. He came up from behind me and what started as an outsmarting match blossomed into something we both thought was love.
I didn’t give him my number just yet. He seemed like a decent guy and I was raised a lady. He chased me for a couple of months and I have to admit his wit won me over. During my second year in campus, 1st semester, we became official and started going out. He was charming and funny. I was his Delilah he was my Samson. We were inseparable and with the onset of the 2nd semester, we took our relationship to the next level. The “ultimate trust scale”.
Samson was an amazing boyfriend. And I was his charming Delilah. We blossomed in what we had. We spent long days and endless nights drowning in what we had.
By the time I was in third year, he had finished 4th year. We kept going strong even after he cleared school. I was busy with my own school work, trying to get my proposal through, starting on my project. While he was out there trying to start a life for himself. We did really try to keep the fire alive but we eventually fell out. Though we did actually remain friends. I took a break from relationships in a bid to rediscover myself. To grow as an individual and have my life defined by my standards.
I focused on myself and availed myself for my friends.
Time went by. Campus passed and graduation came. Oh the joy of being an adult. Together with the fears too. I mean, I really did enjoy my mum’s chapatis, am I really going to be making them? Who is going to be putting a blanket over me when I fall asleep on the couch watching single ladies? Will I even afford a couch to begin with?
But the freedom and independence surpassed all this.
I was happy I finally got my papers. I can now have a legal job. Which I got at safaricom centre at Westlands. I had interned there when I was in third year so getting the recommendations was not exactly hard.
I loved my job. Oh I enjoyed it. Working with smart people, meeting different characters everyday and I tell you Kenyans can really be something. You had to learn your patience the hard way.
On the bright side though, I met some really amazing people. The staff there are great. On that fateful day, my girlfriends and I were coming from lunch when we saw a red cross blood donation tent. Tracey, one of my girlfriends, suggested we should donate some blood. And you know me, am big on saving lives and all. So why not.
You know the procedure right? They prick your finger and the drop of blood is immersed in some fluid. If it floats you can’t donate and if it sinks you can.

FROM THE BAR STOOL II 😉

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“I am a stage actress”
“Oh really 😊. What is your most recent character”, he asks with a big gulp of his drink. His cup is almost empty.
“I played a cadaver in a zombie play 😊”, I respond as i tilt my head up high to try to get the waiters attention. The thing with bar attendants I hear is that they serve the hot ones first.
Not to appear to desperate, irritable or sulky.  Just sophisticated, calm and of course very sexy. My date confirms this because he is still laughing at my answer and doesn’t bother to ask for the refill.
“Try lazy sexy eyes and give him a subtle smile. He will navigate here almost immediately”
I did and true to his words, its like he just smelled honey. I was flattered to a certain degree I must admit. We ordered our refill. The alcohol started kicking in.
We reminisced about our childhood and laughed away hysterically.
From the corner of my eyes I could see two girls ogling at him. He wasn’t noticing of course because he faced me and they were behind him. Not that it mattered at all, but does anyone else just become protective of the people you are in a bar with even if it’s just your brother and you want them to land a hot date but definitely not in this manner?
I put his arm in mine and locked my eyes in his.
“You are coming home with me tonight”, he whispered in my ears in that slow speech that leaves you flummoxed.
“I see you are still the bully you were”, I raised my glass to my lips, took a sip as I picked out the mini straw with my fingers and licked the drops on it. I smiled cunningly. Partly because I knew my lipstick was still intact and partly because I liked where this was going. It was getting late and I really should be watching Looney Tunes right about now( you dare not judge me😈. I will watch that damn thing when am 60 and retired in the comfort of swing chair and it will still be just as hilarious 😎)
“Let’s take a walk”, he requested politely. I stood up, pulled my skirt down and prayed that this damn shoes break on the way so I can have an excuse for walking barefoot. Having a tiresome day while walking in heels all day and then have to still wear them for the night is surely the second most painful thing in the world. The first of course being giving birth. I mean, have you seen those videos? Bones detach i tell you. It makes me want to reconsider the idea of ever having kids. But then again how amazing is the miracle of having a human form right in your tummy. Okay it’s settled, I am having kids. But we have to agree we are not going to talk about the pain associated with it, okay?
Good.
He offers to carry my jacket as we squeeze past the crowd. A young lass in uniform plants herself before us.
“mtakula samosa”. Her tray was half full or in this case half empty because that would be the positive notion. Her eyes appeared sulked and tired. She clearly worked two jobs. Bidan slightly pressed the small of my back signaling that we better get going. I bought four samosas and I thanked her. Its not everyday  every night that you meet someone who cares about your stomach. I mean, that is some special kind of love.
We got outside and the Nairobi winds welcomed us coldly. How rude. I put on my jacket as we walked on. He brushed his hand against mine in a bid to hold it. I let him. Gesturing he should feel free, I swing my hand and let his fall right in. It was calming. A peaceful silence reigned. I could feel his smile. I could feel the watchmen’s eyes  on us. I could feel the flow of warm blood flow through us.
We dwelled in the moment and enjoyed it.
I toyed with the idea of taking off my shoes and walking barefoot because I now felt comfortable. We both did. But then I remembered I wasn’t going to get into my house with all the weight of Nairobi’s finest dirt on my feet.
It was time.
“I should go home now”, I said to him as I took out my phone to call a cab.
” Let me take you”
” No, i am okay. I should go now. I have work. Tomorrow”
” but you were to come to my place”
” you didn’t ask me to”
” I did, i told to”
” Telling is very different from asking”
” will you please, come home with me tonight?”
“no. My ride is here. I have to go”, i slightly pecked his left cheek as a sign of appreciation.
” Where is your show tomorrow, i will come watch it.”
“oh, i lied about that. I work with RSU. Bye now, i had a great time. Thankyou again.”
” what is RSU?”
” Google it.” I said walking away. I pressed my bag close to my chest. I couldn’t wait to get home.
“I had a great time too”, he yelled as the cab drove away.
I smiled to myself. I was champion of all things golden 😊

ION; Thankyou again for coming by here. I have been working on an interview for you guys from a good friend of mine. The wording proved to be harder than i thought hence the time lapse before i posted it. It is also rather long and had to divide it into parts.
The first one will go up on Friday. She shares her journey of living with HIV, the acquisition, discovery and her battling. She is a strong one i tell you and i know you guys will share my sentiments too.
Don’t forget to subscribe with your email so you can get the story while it’s still hot 😉
Thankyou once again.
👊
An Jesus loves you 😍